


Yours

by insulamea16



Series: Yours [2]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Best Friends, Confusion, Gay Sex, Glamnation Tour, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, References to Minor Character Death, Tokyo (City), Tommy does lots and lots of sexy blushing, True Love, acting stupid, sexual identity crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-02-05 04:05:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1804684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insulamea16/pseuds/insulamea16
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is beyond morally wrong to experiment with your best friend (a gay and hot as hell best friend!). So, when Tommy realizes he is not sure of his sexual identity anymore, he decides to do some experimenting – with anyone but Adam. When Adam finds out, he is seriously not happy with this solution.</p><p>Now with a soundtrack!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: this story is a work of fiction, any coincidence with real events is unintentional. I do not own the characters of the story as they are based on real people (but consider myself totally provoked to write this!)
> 
> Also, I have nothing to do with this lovely picture - found it on http://www.fanpop.com/ shared by keepsmiling. No idea where it originally comes from.
> 
> !! I have finally added a soundtrack!)
> 
> https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0B-BjInct_kBiNGtUYnFGb2hwNjA&usp=sharing
> 
> Betaed by the awesome GlambertUK71 since chapter 2. All the mistakes before that are totally mine.

 

_Baby, baby, when we first met_

_I never felt something so strong_

_You were like my lover and my best friend_

_All wrapped in one, with a ribbon on it…_

_And now I feel like, oh, you’re the reason why I’m thinking_

_I don’t wanna smoke all these cigarettes no more_

_I guess that’s what I get for wishful thinking_

_Should’ve never let you enter my door_

_Rihanna “Rehab”_

 

   “Two big lattes!” a girl at the dark wooden counter announced a little bit too enthusiastic. She smiled happily, pure adoration in her eyes, as she looked at Adam. Adam realized he forgot his special disguise hat and huge sunglasses. No wonder, he couldn’t focus on anything at all this morning.  

   “Thank you!” Adam smiled at her, took hot paper cups with his coffee and headed out of Starbucks. It was quite early in the morning but the centre of Tokyo was busy already – people going in all directions, hurrying to their jobs. Everybody had somewhere to be and Adam felt displaced as he walked slowly, almost reluctantly to his hotel.

   He did not really have to go out to fetch his coffee - he could simply call the room service. What he did need was some air, some time to calm down and think… But what’s even the point of thinking about such things?

   Tommy was there, sleeping in that huge bed, naked and so beautiful that it actually hurt… Or did he wake up already?

   “He may have already started to hate me for what happened last night” Adam thought nervously and tried to prepare himself for the most awful scenarios possible.

   The hotel the band stayed in, Park Hyatt Tokyo, had an incredibly beautiful, enormous sun-lit lobby with lots of planted trees and high tech furniture. Adam went through the lobby and waited for the elevator. He wished he could run away and hide somewhere safe, somewhere he didn’t have to face the best and the dearest friend he slept with.

   He knew he could hardly blame himself for what happened. They were drunk, he was drunk – drunk enough to make stupid seduction plans and instead of it doing even more stupid thing… Adam still couldn’t believe he told Tommy about his feelings. Fuck, he as good as confessed his love to Tommy. How crazy is that?

   The only question was – why did Tommy stay and let all this happen? He was supposed to freak out... say something supportive and reassuring and then find a pretext to leave to his own room as fast as possible. Except he didn’t.

   “Focus” pleaded the singer with himself but parts and pieces of last night flooded his brain, sweet, distracting, arousing…

   Tommy on his lap, kissing him, touching him, and letting Adam to touch him… “He was just drunk and probably lonely, don’t get your hopes up” he tried to convince himself, without much success, of course. It went together with the nervousness, feelings mixed in the strangest way… A bulb of hopes and dreams, so close to coming true, already formed in his stomach and he could do absolutely nothing to stop that.

_Last night_

   Adam hardly noticed when their kisses were no longer gentle and sweet, but rather hungry and needy – not until Tommy put his hand on Adam’s crotch and started rubbing him through his jeans.

   Adam literally lost the ability to speak; all he could manage was a hoarse and shocked “Tommy…” Tommy didn’t listen, just kissed him again, and Adam let himself stop thinking.

   He tugged at Tommy’s t-shirt, running his hands underneath it, feeling as much naked skin as he could reach. Tommy covered Adam’s hands with his, and Adam looked at his friend uncertainly, thinking that Tommy wanted to stop him. “Is my touch that unpleasant to him?” he thought in fear.

   Tommy pushed away Adam’s hands gently, and dragged his t-shirt off himself, throwing it carelessly on the floor. Adam immediately laid his hands on exposed flesh, reveling on the sensation of smooth skin under his fingers and Tommy’s heartbeat he could feel now – it was beating so fast…

   Adam let his hands wander along the other man’s chest and then slowly caressed the horror sleeve on Tommy’s hand. Suddenly he leaned in and traced the ink painted faces with the tip of his tongue. He heard Tommy laughing and looked up.

   “Adam, what’re you doing?” Tommy asked with amusement in his voice, and Adam thought how much he liked Tommy to say his name like this, like he was Tommy’s lover, not just a drunk friend he was making out with.

   “I wanna taste you,” he answered, looking his friend in the eye. God, he didn’t mean it to sound so dirty, but when he saw Tommy blush, Adam felt pleased with himself.

   “You do?” asked Tommy quietly, his voice barely a whisper.

   Adam looked at Tommy in the eye for a moment, and, with a relief of a decision made, stood up lightly. He dragged Tommy to his feet and kissed him, holding so tight that in about a minute Tommy struggled out, giggling.

  “Adam, stop, you’ll squeeze me to death!” he laughed. Adam didn’t say anything, only looked in Tommy’s brown eyes searchingly. He put his hand on Tommy’s chest and slowly ran it down to the fly on his belt. He shoved his fingers behind the fly and pulled Tommy towards the bedroom.

   “C’mon,” he said. “I wanna get you comfortable”.

   Tommy followed him obediently on unsteady legs, alcohol and desire clouding his conscience. He nearly stumbled over the threshold as they entered the bedroom. Adam caught Tommy just in time to stop the other man from falling. Tommy burst in laughter, holding onto Adam to steady himself.

   “You’re so amazing, Tommy,” Adam said gently, as he held Tommy with one hand and caressed the blonde’s face with the other. “And I want you so bad…”

   Tommy’s eyes widened at this statement. He swallowed nervously.

   “Have me, then” he managed to say.

   “You’re sure?” Instead of an answer Tommy leaned in and kissed him with such passion and need that Adam start to suspect again – may be he really is just imagining it or seeing a really good dream. Right, a good, a great dream. Gonna wake up any minute now… but until then – he can just take the most of it, can he?

    Adam broke the kiss, when they both ran out of breath, and started to undo Tommy’s belt. Then he pushed his friend on the bed and climbed right next to him.

    He took Tommy’s hands and put them above the blond man’s head pinning him to the bed. He kissed Tommy again, possessively now and by the enthusiasm Tommy showed, Adam knew – he was always right about this, the guy really does like it rough.

   Adam kissed Tommy’s jaw line, put a trail of kisses on his neck, and bit him lightly but enough to leave a hickey. Tommy didn’t show any sign of a protest, his only response was a groan of pleasure. Encouraged, Adam licked the bruised skin on Tommy’s neck and moved on to the man’s chest, licking and kissing and tasting Tommy – the way he wanted to for so long now. The intensity of it was mind blowing, Adam felt he was high and his best drug was right there, in his hands. Fuck the consequences, fuck tomorrow… The only thing that mattered was this guy here, moaning and… oh, Jesus, did he just heard Tommy begging for more?

   “Did you say something?” Adam asked and looked at Tommy’s face. That was a sight to behold indeed. The blonde’s face was flushed, eyes closed, blissful expression on his face as he bit his lip.

   “Don’t stop” begged Tommy hoarsely. “Oh, please, please, don’t stop”. That was all the invitation Adam needed. He licked a line down Tommy’s stomach and stopped for a moment to tug Tommy’s jeans off. His impatience grew every second, he pulled off the denim, Tommy’s boxers followed a moment later.

   Adam sat on the bed, slowing down suddenly, and drank in the sight in front of him. Tommy, naked, sprawled on the bed… Adam smirked contentedly as he saw the hickey already showing on Tommy’s neck. “Mine” he whispered to himself.

   Tommy opened his eyes and looked at Adam indignantly.

   “Why the hell did you stop?”

   Adam laughed. “Sorry” he said finally. “I am… enjoying the view.”

   “In case I’ll never get to see you like this anymore…” he thought to himself and asked aloud “You really are beautiful, you know that?”

    “Yeah, a fucking beauty queen, really” grumbled Tommy, embarrassed, flattered and pissed off at the same time.

   “I’m serious” said Adam with a solemn note in his voice, “You’re the most beautiful…”

   Tommy didn’t let him finish as he moved closer to Adam on the bed and hissed “Shut The Fuck Up!” right before kissing Adam, fighting for dominance this time. That felt like magic and Adam let Tommy win, let himself be kissed – something that he didn’t do very often.

   But that was Tommy and tonight this guy was allowed to do everything. Own Adam’s mouth, play with his feelings…

    “Why do I suddenly think that?” Adam asked himself. “Wasn’t it me who said damn the consequences?” Tommy broke the kiss and started to cover with kisses Adam’s neck and his chest. Adam closed his eyes and lost himself in the heavenly sensations of Tommy’s tongue and lips on his skin. He felt Tommy’s hands undoing his jeans and opened his eyes again.

   “It’s so hot in here” he said and heard Tommy giggling at his words. “I mean it, we need to open the window or we’ll suffocate…”

   Tommy rested his head against Adam’s chest, his soft hair brushing Adam’s skin.

   “You go, open it, if you need the air so much” he said teasingly.

   “Lazy bitch” Adam poked Tommy in the stomach and stood up from the bed. He opened the window and took in a good breath of cool night’s air. He turned back to the bed. City lights played on the sheets and Tommy’s skin, giving it the surreal violet color. The way Tommy looked at him, waiting there, the challenge in his eyes. Who could ever resist this “have me right now and here” kind of invitation?

  “Not gonna wake up! If it is a dream, not going to fucking wake up!” Adam thought and without breaking the eye contact started to pull off his jeans. The lust in Tommy’s eyes was just precious.

   As he undressed, he stretched lazily and let Tommy take a good view of his naked torso. Then he slowly came up to the bed, Tommy’s eyes glued to him. Adam kissed his friend again, the kiss hungry and demanding. The blond man did not even try to stay in control this time, his friend was pushing him so hard, and all he could do was to take what Adam gave, submitting completely. Before Tommy knew it, he was on his back again, Adam’s weight on him, Adam’s lips everywhere, on his neck, on his chest, his stomach. Tommy gasped when he felt Adam’s tongue on his dick. He lifted his head up just in time to see Adam swallowing him. And here he thought that naked Adam teasing him a moment ago was arousing… Tommy dropped his head back on the pillows and cursed.

***

   The elevator stopped and Adam went out into the hall. He was not ready. He so was not ready for this. How can he face Tommy now? What the hell is he going to say? And his mind was still filled with images of Tommy, moaning and cursing and clutching the sheets as he sucked him deep…

   “Stop it, Lambert, focus, for Christ’s sake! You can lose your best friend just because you were horny and drunk and couldn’t control yourself. So, get a grip now, go there and, at least, try to make it right!”

   Adam told himself off but as soon as he managed to remove the images of Tommy’s cock in his mouth, his imagination immediately provided an HD quality replay of Tommy giving him a hand job and all Tommy’s kisses and …. Adam rubbed his neck, feeling the sore skin underneath his fingers. His pretty kitty happened to have sharp teeth. He smirked.

   Adam came up to the door of his suit. “Ok, here we go” he thought, took a deep breath and pushed the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betaed by GlambertUK71! Thank you for your amazing job and helpful suggestions, honey, MenBerts rock!)

  _What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way_

_What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you_

_Chris Isaak “Wicked Game”_

    Adam froze on the threshold of the bedroom, almost dropping the coffee cups he carried. He was not prepared for the sight in front of him. Tommy was sitting on the edge of the bed, still naked, covered only by a corner of a blanket. His hair tangled after sleep, ink on his skin Adam could see so clearly in the bright morning light, and, God, the hickeys he’d left on Tommy’s neck last night… Just when Adam thought he has never seen anything sexier in his life, Tommy turned to look at him and blushed.

   “Hey,” said Tommy with a shy smile. He was obviously embarrassed but didn’t make any attempt to cover himself better.

   “Hey,” answered Adam. In that moment, the few words that he had managed to prepare completely vanished from his mind.

   “I… er…” Adam felt like an idiot, standing there completely lost for words.

   “I brought us some coffee”, he said finally and went up to the bed and handed Tommy a paper cup. The blond man leaned in eagerly to take the cup from his friend’s hands.

   “You’re the best friend ever!” Tommy said meaning every word.

   “Careful,” warned Adam. “It’s…”

   His voice trailed off as Tommy grabbed the coffee cup and the blanket slipped a little bit lower from his hip.

   “… hot” finished Adam in a suddenly hoarse voice.

   Thankfully, Tommy was not listening; he was focused on his coffee, savoring it with an expression of utter pleasure on his face.

   Adam looked around uncomfortably, thinking what the hell he should do now. Finally he sat on the edge of the bed too, careful to keep some distance from Tommy.

   The room was lit with morning sunlight. The city landscape behind the window was so shiny that it hurt the eye, with all that metal and glass reflecting the sun. Adam felt like time had stopped, frozen in this moment, not knowing what to do or what to say. He shifted in his place, acutely aware of Tommy’s naked form pressing on the mattress beside him.

   “Do not stare, do not stare, don’t you dare to…” Adam repeated the mantra in his mind, his train of thought lost as he turned to Tommy, careful to look at his face only but somehow noticing another hickey he’d left on Tommy’s thigh last night, right before he…

   “Christ, focus, focus” he panicked and returned to stare at Tommy’s face. His friend was looking back at him, a huge wicked smile all over his face.

   “You’re staring” stated Tommy in amused voice.

   “Sorry” said Adam, blushing furiously.

   “That’s ok” answered Tommy. “That’s only natural after… I mean… Oh, fuck!” and the blonde man gave up the attempt to say something comprehensible on the matter.

   “Tommy,” began Adam, finally gathering his courage. “I’m so sorry about last night. You were drunk, and I shouldn’t have…”

   “ _We_ were drunk” corrected Tommy.

   Adam looked into his friend’s soft brown eyes.

   “I used you,” he said. “You are supposed to be yelling at me right now, or throw things at me…”

   “Adam, are you mad?” asked Tommy impatiently. “You used me, seriously? As far as I remember, it was me who got this fantastic blowjob and…”

   “Fantastic, you say?” cut in Adam in a very curious voice.

   “Well er… the best, actually,” answered Tommy.

   Adam grinned and a smug expression appeared on his face.

   Tommy looked at him with affection and then burst into laughter.

   “What?” asked Adam, but Tommy just kept laughing at him. “What?”

   “You should see yourself,” Tommy finally managed to say, “You look so self-righteous”.

   Adam tried to look offended but eventually burst into laughter too. The awkwardness was gone and Adam finally felt the iron clench on his heart letting go.

   “Adam,” said Tommy, looking serious again. “Can we… you know, not over think it? It just happened and I don’t regret it but…” he paused, carefully choosing words.

   “I’m so confused right now. I don’t know what to think... Can we just leave it for now?” he turned to Adam, and his face had this vulnerable look that always made Adam do things he’d never do for anyone else. At this point Adam knew he was fucked.

   “Of course, baby” Adam answered and wished he felt as sure as he sounded. “It’s not like I expected you to become my boyfriend or something.”

   “only fantasized about it ever since I saw you in your audition, no big deal” he thought to himself.

   “I rather expected you to hate me,” Adam confessed in a quiet voice. “and, you know, leave my band and stop being my friend”.

   Tommy looked at Adam in horror.

   “Adam, I would never ever do anything like that,” he reached out for his friend’s hand and held it, interweaving their fingers gently.

   Adam looked at Tommy’s face and in one excruciatingly painful moment it was all crystal clear: he was in love with this man. He didn’t simply want him, he was not infatuated with him, he really loved him… That’s something scary enough even if you have a chance with someone, but what if you don’t? What on Earth was he supposed to do now?

   Adam swallowed a lump in his throat. “Thank you” was all he could manage. Tommy leaned on Adam’s shoulder.

   “I will always be your friend, whatever happens. And I… kind of need you in my life, you know…” Tommy finished awkwardly.

   “I need you in my life too” said Adam, enjoying the bitter sweet closeness of the guy he obviously couldn’t have. He didn’t know anymore if he was hurt or happy that someone cared about him as much as Tommy did.

   After long minutes passed in silence, Tommy finally said in a deliberately upbeat tone: “Ok, before we both start to cry like two little girls, I’d better go and grab that shower”. With these decisive words he stood up from the bed. The blanked slipped off him and he was left standing there in all his naked glory.

   “What?” he asked as Adam’s eyes became huge.

   “Oh, come on, Adam, you have seen it all already,” Tommy smirked, when he realized the reason for his friend’s shocked expression.

   “Not in the daylight!” commented Adam, not even bothering to look Tommy in the eye; he was too busy eying the man hungrily from head to toe. If Tommy felt comfortable going around him naked now, who was he to pass up such an opportunity. He’d just had his heart broken, didn’t he deserve a break?

   A naughty smile appeared on Tommy’s lips. He made a step towards Adam, touched his friend’s face gently and said:

   “For what it’s worth, last night was beautiful.”

   He leaned in and kissed Adam sweetly on the lips. He only meant it to be a chaste kiss but as he made a move to step back and head to the bathroom, he felt Adam’s big warm hands on his hips, pulling him back into the embrace and then Adam was kissing him with passion, practically fucking Tommy’s mouth with his tongue.

   For a moment Tommy was lost in the sensations and enjoyed his friend’s touch and the kisses. And then he felt himself getting hard.

   Adam felt Tommy pushing him away and broke the kiss. He stared at the blonde in horror.

   “Tommy! God, I’m so sorry, I…”

   “It’s ok, calm down, Adam,” Tommy said with a reassuring smile and took a step back. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea right now. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” he broke off, suddenly aware of his lack of clothes. “I’d better go take that shower, don’t wanna be late”.

   He hurried to the bathroom, hoping to fuck that Adam didn’t notice how turned on he was.  
When the bathroom door closed behind Tommy, Adam buried his face in his hands and silently cursed himself.

***

   Tommy closed the bathroom door and took a deep breath.

   “What the hell was that, Ratliff?” he asked himself. “Did you really need to tease him again?”

   He was never one to expose himself. Quite the contrary, he tended to wear as many layers of clothes as possible. So, really, what the hell?

   He felt beautiful every time Adam looked at him, that must be the point. All his usual self-consciousness disappeared into thin air and all Adam needed to do was to look at him, speak to him, touch him…

   Is that why last night happened? Nicely done, Tommy Joe, using your best friend to raise your self-esteem!

   “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” muttered Tommy under his breath. He opened the tap and punished himself with an ice cold shower. Despite the masses of cold water cascading on his body, his skin still seemed to burn where Adam had touched him.

   When Tommy came out of the bathroom, Adam was nowhere to be seen. Tommy looked around, trying to figure out where to start looking for his clothes. He shivered when he remembered how exactly he’d lost each one of his garments last night. Finally he saw his jeans and a t-shirt folded neatly on a chair – Adam must have put it there while he was asleep. Tommy dropped the towel and started to get dressed.

   He noticed that Adam had already packed – his bags stood ready near the bed. The bed was made up too – the emerald green luxurious comforter covered the sheets.

   Tommy blushed, thinking about his night in this bed. Adam pinning him down, kissing him so possessively, Adam’s mouth around his dick…

   Tommy couldn’t believe he actually did that – let things go that far, finally had this experience with another guy. After all the times he was curious – what it must be like, to do it with a man…

   The thought made him freeze in the centre of the room.

   “I was curious,” he thought. “I was… experimenting… Oh, Jesus, experimenting with Adam” he kept repeating to himself and the words filled him with horror and self-disgust.

   At that moment the door opened and Adam came in.

   “You’ve got to hurry up, baby. We are going to the airport in half an hour” Adam said crossing the floor, back to his relaxed, composed self.

   Noticing the horrified expression on Tommy’s face, he continued “Are you ok?"

   “Yeah, I’m fine” answered Tommy, not looking Adam in the eye. He headed past him for the door but Adam took hold of Tommy’s upper arm.

   “Are you sure you’re ok?” he asked again, his beautiful freckled face frowning now.

   Tommy forced himself to look at Adam.

   “Adam, I’m fine, really,” he lied and added a false smile. “You said we need to hurry…”

   Tommy shivered under Adam’s scrutinizing gaze. The worry written all over his friend’s face made Tommy feel even guiltier.

   “How could you?” he thought. “How could you experiment with him?”

   “Yeah” agreed Adam and reluctantly let go of Tommy’s hand.

   “See you downstairs, in half an hour?”

   “See you,” Tommy gave Adam another fake smile and hurried out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! This chapter contains references to the death of Tommy's father and it is very likely to be triggering!
> 
> This chapter was also the hardest writing I ever did and I would never complete it without my beta, GlambertUK71... Thank you so much!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I realize that I haven't updated for ages but I hope you'll forgive me) I just moved to another city and changed pretty much everything about my life. It's not always easy. Whatever happens, I'm going to keep writing though...

“I live with my past tucked away deep inside of me. It comes out as an explosion and it invades me.”  
Madonna, Confessions on the Dance Floor tour, interlude

 

It had been a week since the night in Tokyo and Adam couldn’t help noticing that Tommy acts differently around him. 

There were no hugs anymore – Tommy would go stiff in his hands. There were no more sleepovers, no more friendly banter, no more flirting, no more of anything he’d got luxuriously used to. The reserved and respectable way Tommy behaved around him now was just… wrong. 

It didn’t help that Adam was worried about his friend. 

He still remembered how Tommy returned from the leave he had to take to attend his father’s funeral in August. Tommy hardly said a word about it but he didn’t have to – the look in his eyes showed it all too clearly. Adam chose not to ask any questions, but he made sure to spend as much time with Tommy as he could. He would hug the blonde man and looked at him saying it without words: “I love you and I am here if you need me”. 

Now Adam cursed himself for letting his libido do the thinking. The horrible thought found its way into his mind and refused to go away: what if the only reason Tommy slept with him was to forget about his pain? Adam tried not to think that but he couldn’t stop himself from mulling this over and over again until he couldn’t take it anymore.

He had decided he should do something and clear the air with his best friend, when Tommy started to act really strange, checking if Adam had eaten well, if he drank his special tea for his voice, if he was ok… Wasn’t it obvious that he was not ok and needed his friend back? 

Currently he was watching Tommy busy in the kitchen zone of their tour bus. They were on the road to Sydney, without much time to rest between their concerts in Australia. Tommy was preparing a complex cocktail concoction of some milk and fresh fruits. Everybody else was chilling. Isaac and Camila sat on the sofa and watched TV, Monte was killing monsters on his play station, Sutan stared into the ceiling, fidgeting with his sketchbook. Adam was trying to write lyrics to a new song but ended up glancing in Tommy’s direction every now and then. When he saw Tommy add a pink straw into the cocktail and move towards him, he decided enough was enough. 

“Thanks” he said, accepting a cold glass from Tommy’s hands. 

Tommy smiled. His fringe was falling flat on his face as Tommy didn’t bother to style it today, his makeup free delicate features were so beautiful and his lips… Adam made an effort to focus on what he wanted to say.

“Tommy… Can we talk?”

“Sure” Tommy smiled again and there was something about this smile that made Adam wonder if Tommy smiled like that just for him. “What do you want to talk about?”

Adam stood up and went to the less crowded part of the bus, gesturing Tommy to follow him. They sat on the sofa and Adam put the cocktail on the coffee table. 

“Tommy, what are you doing?” he asked quietly, careful not to be overheard.

“What do you mean?” asked Tommy with a puzzled expression on his face. 

Adam pointed to the drink with the milk and fruity goodness in it and said:

“This. You’re treating me like you are my mother, for Christ’s sake!”

The blonde man stared at Adam and, God, the embarrassment and confusion in those beautiful brown eyes… Adam hated his fucked up life at that moment.

“If you’re doing all this because of what I said that night… I mean about my feelings to you… Tommy, I do not need your pity.”

Tommy’s eyes widened.

“I… That’s not… I do not pity you!”

“Then what is it?” demanded Adam.

Tommy looked down.

“I feel guilty,” he confessed finally.

“Guilty?” now it was Adam’s turn to look puzzled.

“That night I… I was curious, ok? I wanted to know what it feels like – to be with you. When I woke up, I felt like the worst person in the world. I don’t know how I could play with your feelings like that after all the sweet things that you told me. The only excuse is that I was really drunk but…” Tommy sighed and ran his hand through his hair. 

“Hey” Adam reached for his friend’s hand and gently touched him. 

“I did know I was taking a straight boy to my bed. It was my idea, remember? It’s not like I didn’t know what I was doing and how it might end,” he smiled and saw Tommy smiling back uncertainly.

“So” Adam started with a teasing intonation. “You were curious about me?”

“Yeah, I was” Tommy looked Adam in the eye, a little embarrassed, a little insecure. Something changed and there was suddenly a tension in the air between them.

“Did I…” Adam paused, a smile appearing on his lips, “satisfy your curiosity?”

“Adam, please!” begged Tommy, sounding very uncomfortable. 

“Sorry. Couldn’t help it” Adam said. 

“I miss you” he added. “I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, you know? Like you can’t be my friend anymore, because you feel awkward around me now.” Adam looked down at the floor, “And after what happened with your dad…”

Tommy quietly moved closer to Adam and invaded his personal space, snuggling to his side and embracing the man with a fierce hug. Silence stretched for a few seconds.

“You haven’t lost me” was all he said. Adam hugged back the smaller man eagerly and held him like he could disappear into thin air if Adam didn’t hold him tight enough. 

***

A few weeks later they were giving their first concert in Europe, in the capital of Finland. The airport, the hotel, the concert, the after party. Tommy felt like he was on autopilot, turning on during the shows only and following the routine the rest of the time. At this point it was like watching somebody else do things, not actually living his life, rather watching it lived by his own shadow. He was slowly but steadily falling into the welcoming arms of depression and explained it to himself as exhaustion from the tour.

He sat at the bar in some club, the name of which he wouldn’t be able to pronounce, even if he was sober. Right now he was quickly heading to pleasantly drunk. Sutan sat next to him and kept tempting him with suspiciously looking cocktails. The rest of the band were out in the darkness and pulsating lights, lost to the music and the crowd.

“Sutan, I’m not drinking this!” he protested as his friend pushed towards him a huge glass filled with bright blue liquid and a paper umbrella in it.

“C’mon, Tommy, for my health!”

“You’re healthy enough as it is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go find Adam and ask if he’s going back to the hotel anytime soon. I really wanna crash my bed now.”

“Or his bed,” Sutan giggled.

“What that’s supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing, sweetie,” Sutan looked at Tommy innocently. “I meant your movie marathons with Adam. And what did you think about?”

Tommy raised his eyes. It was true - he did spend quite a lot of time cuddling with Adam in his bed lately. They watched movies, talked about everything at all, and, exhausted after the shows, fell asleep in each other’s arms. Tommy didn’t see what was wrong with his need to be close to Adam and brushed off occasional remarks of other band members. He was happy that the awkwardness between them was gone and he could simply enjoy this feeling of safety - it was like nothing bad could happen, while Adam was next to him. 

All Tommy wanted now was to snuggle close to his friend and fall asleep half way through the movie, like they usually did these days.

He went through the club, looking around. There was no sign of Adam on the dance floor, in the men’s room… Tommy paused at the dressing room and wandered where his friend might be. 

Tommy pushed the back door and went outside, suddenly craving some fresh air. He inhaled deeply and looked at the sleepless city in front of him. Though the streets of Helsinki were brightly lit, here, in the alley, it was dark, the nearest street lamps’ light caught in the branches of trees.

A sound of movement behind him made Tommy turn around. What he saw there made him sober up within seconds. 

Adam was pressing some blonde guy against the brick wall, kissing him passionately. He didn’t even notice that they were not alone anymore. 

Tommy stepped back, shocked, his brain kept registering all the details of the scene against his will. Adam’s closed eyes, Adam’s hands all over the other guy’s body, the guy’s hands clutching Adam’s leopard print t-shirt.

Tommy quietly opened the door and disappeared back into the club. 

May be it was just a bad dream, after all. If so, he wished to wake up. Because this, sure as hell, didn’t feel real – moving back to the bar, like moving under the water, dancing and talking people around him – ghostly shadows in the glittering lights and the smoke of the cigarettes. 

“What’s wrong?” 

Tommy realized that he was back at the bar already, Sutan looking at him with worried eyes.

“Nothing. I wanna get out of here. I’ll get a taxi to the hotel.” He answered without any emotion. 

***

Tommy ordered another shot of Jack Daniels and started at the TV screen blindly. Sutan sat next to him again and quietly drank – whatever was that he was drinking.

The bar at the hotel was almost empty. After the club’s noise, the silence here felt deafening. Tommy was grateful that Sutan stayed with him, when they arrived at the hotel, but he really didn’t feel like talking. Sutan didn’t seem to mind. 

A newsflash on the screen dragged Tommy out of his daze. 

“The scandalous concerts of the American Idol runner up, Adam Lambert…” he heard a voice of a reporter and saw a picture of himself and Adam kissing on the screen. The picture changed into the interview with somebody who looked like a preacher. 

Tommy froze as a chaos of thoughts and feelings rushed through him. All Adam’s touches and kisses that made him feel like he was the only one Adam ever wanted…

“What an idiot,” muttered Tommy to his drink. “It is ridiculous to be jealous. We are friends, not lovers” he reminded himself. Surely Adam has his own needs and Tommy didn’t have a single reason to feel so bad now. So why the fuck does he feel like his heart has just been stomped all over?

“Tommy?”

Tommy turned to Sutan reluctantly. 

“What?”

“Are you ok?” Sutan asked and put a stray of hair behind Tommy’s ear. Tommy closed his eyes for a moment and nudged into Sutan’s touch. 

“I…” Tommy broke off. “It’s just one of those days, you know? When everything seems wrong…”

“What exactly is wrong?” Sutan asked. “Are you worried about your positive image?” he pointed at the TV screen and smirked.

“Hell no, it’s… Well, thanks for reminding me, my parents watch this goddamn news block every evening.” Tommy suddenly felt like he’d been stabbed into the stomach. Could this day possibly get any worse?

Sutan raised his eyebrow but said nothing.

“I mean… my mum watches this news block,” Tommy said very quietly.

Again, Sutan just gave him a look, reached out to squeeze the other man’s wrist.

“Look, I really am tired and I’d better go to my room,” Tommy said avoiding to look at Sutan.

“I’m going with you.”

They paid for their drinks and headed through the dimly-lit empty lobby to the elevators. In silence two men waited till the elevator stopped at their floor.

Tommy headed to his room and turned around to bid Sutan good night. He discovered that his friend was following him. Sutan looked at Tommy pleadingly. 

“Can I stay in your room tonight? I don’t feel like being alone right now.”

Tommy narrowed his eyes.

“Sutan, I know what you’re doing. I’m fine and I don’t need you to go full mother hen mode on me!”

"Whatever,” he muttered and took out his key card. He opened the door and went straight to the big sofa, kicking off his shoes and taking off his jacket on the way.

Sutan followed him and collapsed onto the sofa, stretching his long legs.

“That’s what I’m talking about,” he said with contentment on his face. 

Tommy smiled.

“What are we watching?” he asked with a wicked glint in his eye. “I have “Friday 13th”, “Saw”, “Evil Zombies”….”

“There are good zombies?” Sutan raised his brow. “Anyway, I remember you said you wanted to sleep.” He was looking at Tommy very intently now. 

“Yeah. And I’ll fall asleep best while watching a movie.”

“Oh, really? You just wanted to run away and hide in your shell. Tommy, what’s wrong?”

Tommy looked at his friend with anger.

“And I remember how you said you just want some company.”

“I lied,” answered Sutan simply. 

Tommy fell heavily on the sofa, defeated.

“I’m sorry,” said Sutan. “I would leave you alone if I knew that’s what you really needed. But you have been acting differently, and… it’s only natural after… your father and… You don’t talk to anyone about it, but maybe you should.” 

Tommy sighed. He didn’t look at Sutan and chose to stare at his clutched hands instead. 

“There is nothing to talk about. He’s gone. End of story”

Tommy was so angry with Sutan now. He wished the man would get the hell out of his room and leave him alone.

Sutan didn’t even flinch at the angry look on Tommy’s face. He just kept looking at the blonde man. 

“That news flash in the bar,” said Tommy finally. “For one moment I was like: shit, my dad must have seen it. And then it hit me – he hasn’t seen it, he is not fucking here to see it, not here to criticize me and just… not here. I feel like this all the time - like he’s gone on a long vacation but he’ll be back someday.”

Tommy turned to Sutan, tears appearing in his eyes without a warning.

“I don’t get it, Sutan. How come he won’t be back? I just don’t get it,” he repeated and his voice changed from angry to a soft, almost childish one.

Sutan moved closer to Tommy and hugged him tight, not saying a word. Tommy froze in his friend’s arms, unable to either push Sutan away or relax in his embrace. 

“Why do you make me talk about it?” he managed to say fighting tears that threatened to fall down from his eyes. 

“Because you need to let it go,” answered Sutan. He gently stroked Tommy’s hair with his free hand. 

“I don’t want to.”

“I know, honey. I know.”

Sutan’s gentle hands, the reassuring warmth of his body, broke something inside Tommy. These last few months he’s been hiding from these feelings and talking about it to Sutan now… Tommy felt the reality hitting him like a subway train. He started to sob helplessly in Sutan’s hands.

Long moments later he was still cuddled at his friend’s side and felt horribly numb. The hollow empty feeling crept up in his chest - like nothing good was ever going to happen again. 

Tommy looked up at Sutan. The taller man carefully wiped the tracks of tears from Tommy’s face with his fingers.

“Feel any better?” 

“No,” answered Tommy, his voice expressionless. “I mean, thank you for doing this but… it doesn’t matter if I pretend I’m OK or cry about it. It sucks anyway. How can you make something like this right?”

“You can’t,” answered Sutan. “But you can accept it. Eventually.”

“Yeah, right. I don’t wanna accept this.” Tommy paused and looked at Sutan. 

“Things were so fucked up between us before he got ill. We used to quarrel all the time and then, we just stopped talking about anything but his health. It was not the time to solve our problems. Now I just wish he was back and we could make it right. I wish I could make it right.”

They were silent for a few moments.

“Tommy, I know that’s not what you wanna hear but… I don’t think you want another chance to make up with your dad. You want to change things that happened in the past between you and that’s impossible.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please, stop torturing yourself. Just let it go.”

“I can’t. I was never a good son to him. And he was never a good enough father to me, not until it was too late.”

“Hey, look at me,” Sutan touched Tommy’s chin and pressed gently to make Tommy look into his eyes. “Fuck ideals, fuck ideal family. We only get mad at people we love most. It is how you remember him, this is what matters. Do you miss him?”

Tommy’s eyes filled with tears again.

“Of course, I do.”

“Do you love him?”

Tommy couldn’t answer anything, the lump in his throat was suffocating him, tears started to run silently down his face.  
Sutan lifted his hand and touched the other man’s chest at the place of his heart. 

“This is what matters,” he said quietly, “and not how imperfect you both were.”

Tommy closed his eyes with his hands and let himself broke down completely. Sutan hugged him and rocked them gently.

They sat like this for a long time, Sutan staring into a space in front of him. Tommy was crying silently at his side, Sutan’s hand around him, long fingers caressing blonde hair.

When Tommy couldn’t cry anymore, he stared into the wall. In the semi-darkness he could see a huge clock there. The second hand was moving, measuring time slipping away through his fingers. Or was it the time only coming to him? Tommy sighed and laid his head on Sutan’s shoulder. He felt like part of him just died but he was no longer sure if it was such a bad thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought of my friends when I was writing this. Don't know where I would have been without them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> The story is back and so is my writing. I almost gave up on it (both writing and the story in particular), as I've had the craziest and the hardest year in my life. Didn't believe myself I'll ever post anything again, to be honest. But it kept bugging me, the way only unfinished stories can bug you. I just HAD to complete it.
> 
> If you started to read it almost a year ago - I am truly sorry for a ridiculously long wait. I hope I will be forgiven - pretty please?)
> 
> PS I really missed working with my dear friend and beta to my texts, GlambertUK71!))

   _“There will be other guys,_

_Who will whisper in your ear,_

_Say they’ll take away_

_Your sadness and your fear._

_They may be kind and true,_

_They may be good to you,_

_But they’ll never care for you_

_More than I do._

_I can’t do much but be your one true friend_

_Till the end of time.”_

_James Marsters “Good Night Sweet Girl”_

  Adam closed the door behind him and looked around. The guy he brought with him already headed for the bed, undressing on the way.

   Adam followed him and stood at the threshold of the bedroom, watching the guy undoing his belt.

   “Sa…”, Adam began and suddenly realized he wasn’t even sure he remembered the guy’s name.

   “Soli?” he finally said.

   “It’s Sauli,” the guy said and came closer to Adam. His t-shirt was lying somewhere in the darkness of the room, jeans hung low on his hips…

   Adam put his hand on Sauli’s chest, his movements hesitant and slow. He looked into the man’s eyes and swallowed nervously.

   No need to hold back, a willing body right here… And he wanted it so bad – to finally stop holding back.

   Feeling his self-control slipping Adam put his hand higher onto the guy’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss, hungry and dominating, tongue fucking the blonde’s mouth with ruthless abandon. Not letting the blonde man regain his composure, Adam crowded the guy until he hit the side of the bed.

   Sauli licked his lips. Obviously, he didn’t mind the direction things were taking. He shed the rest of his clothes quickly, crawled onto the bed on all fours, and turned to look Adam in the eye.

   That moment Adam lost it completely. He undressed hurriedly, fingers lax, fumbling with zippers and buttons, throwing clothes messily on the floor next to the bed. It didn’t make it an easier task as Adam couldn’t take his eyes off the bed, where Sauli was now lying on his back, legs spread obscenely wide.

   A sudden image of Tommy, spread naked on a hotel bed just a few weeks ago, flashed through his mind. Adam froze for a moment, and then pushed the thought away.

   If he wanted to stay sane and keep his best friend – he needed this, needed everything this guy here was so eager to offer.

 

***

   Adam didn’t know how much time had passed. For all he knew he could be fucking Sauli for eternity, hours just stopped coming and going.

   Liberating it was, yes, but also killing him with every touch and every move – he felt like he was leaving behind the stupid dreams of being with his gorgeous guitarist, for good this time. His heart screamed at him – don’t want to move on, please, don’t make me move on…

   Adam stared into Sauli’s eyes, the blonde’s mouth half open in a desperate attempt to catch his breath. He pushed harder into the guy drawing a broken moan out of him.

   Adam’s skin went on fire as the sound made him flashback to that night with Tommy again.

   He blinked. In semi-darkness of the room he didn’t see Sauli beneath him anymore. Brown eyes, long bangs of blonde hair he needed to push away to kiss the sweet lips…

   Adam turned away from Sauli’s face and covered with kisses the man’s neck. A feeling of panic started to rise in him.

   “Don’t do this,” he told himself. “Don’t…” but it was far too late.

   He was not with Sauli anymore, all he could see was Tommy moaning and squirming beneath him.

    Adam never let himself think of Tommy this way. It was a line he refused to cross – he knew too well he wouldn’t be able to stop himself if he did. The night in Tokyo was pretty much all Adam let himself fantasize about. And here he was now – having sex with a guy he had just met and imagining he was with Tommy.

   Adam felt the man beneath him stiffen. The blonde turned his head away from him; his eyes were blank as he stared into the wall, letting Adam use his body like he wasn’t there with him at all.

   Adam felt ashamed of himself. The guy obviously sensed Adam was thinking about someone else.

   “Hey,” he whispered and gently put his fingers on Sauli’s chin to make the man look at him. 

   He kissed the blonde man gently, getting back to the present moment from his illusive dreams. The kiss grew more passionate as Sauli started to respond. Adam ran his hands along the man’s body, caressing and touching him, the touch turning from gentle to firm as his movements became faster. He was probably leaving finger marks on tender skin but neither of them seemed to care. Adam hated himself that moment – for needing this, for actually moving on, for being unable to move on…. He closed his eyes, hiding himself from this room and this bed he shared with the man he hardly knew.

 ***

   The major part of next morning Adam spent hiding in his suite, having no desire to face the world. Sauli left pretty much the minute Adam rolled off him. He couldn’t even make himself look the guy in the eye. It was humiliating to say the least, not to mention that he felt like a total jerk.

   When he finally ventured down to the hotel restaurant, it was lunchtime already. As he expected, he found most of his band in one of the booths.

   The restaurant was a nice place, classy and elegant, with big windows that let the midday sun fill the room with soft light through the bobbinet curtains. Adam sat down heavily on a dark red leather sofa. It smelled nice here too, the sweet perfume of roses that were set in a little vase on the table mixed with a mouth-watering aroma of roasted bread. The singer greeted his band mates with a weak-hearted smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

   “What happened to you, baby?” asked Camila with a concern in her voice. “You look like shit!”

   “Too much of a good time, I think”, mumbled Adam in response and tried to feign the good kind of tired face.

   He looked around and frowned. It seemed like everybody was here except…

   “Where’s Tommy?” he asked.

   “You haven’t seen him?” asked Monte, surprised.

   “He and Sutan went back to the hotel early last night. They didn’t come down for breakfast too”, said Camila.

   “Do you think we should call them?” wondered Isaac.

   Adam took out his phone as worry started to fill him. He tried to calm himself down. Surely, Tommy just used a rare opportunity to catch some sleep. He should be all right…

   When Adam was about to press call button on Tommy’s number, he heard a familiar voice above his shoulder.

   “I swear, I’m never drinking with you again, Sutan!”

   Adam turned around so quickly that he almost sent Camila’s plate flying down from the table.

   The singer sighed with relief. Here he was, the guy who haunted his dreams – looking like an angel, a light make up on his face, blonde hair styled in artistic chaos. Obviously Sutan, who followed his steps, hadn’t let Tommy out of the room until he’d agreed on the beauty session.

   “Until the next time, that is,” chuckled Sutan and looked at Tommy with affection.

   “Fucking finally!” exclaimed Camila, when they reached the booth. “We were about to organize a search party!”

   “See, boo, they can’t live without us!” said Sutan in a smug voice, not a tiniest bit apologetic. They squeezed themselves into the overcrowded sofa opposite Adam.

   “Where the hell have you been?” asked Isaac curiously.

   “Sleeping!” said Sutan like it explained everything, satisfaction in his voice. “I feel like I was born again!”

   Camila raised her brows.

   “You were the first to head back to the hotel last night. How much time do you need to sleep?”

   “They didn’t go to the hotel to sleep, you silly thing,” said Monte with understanding.

   Adam stared at the two men in horror.

   “Exactly how much Jack have you two drunk?” asked Monte, grinning wickedly.

   Adam slowly let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He felt as an idiot all of a sudden – of course, Monte was referring to them getting drunk.

   Tommy giggled.

   “We lost count. They have these awfully small mini bottles in each room, you know?”

   “Where did you disappear last night, by the way?” asked Sutan suddenly turning to Adam. At the same time, Tommy stole a piece of toast from Monte’s plate.  

   “Hey!” Monte’s indignant voice made Camila jump. “Sorry” he said apologetically to her as hysterical laughter filled the room. People in the restaurant started to turn their heads towards their booth.

   Adam hoped that in all the commotion he could simply ignore Sutan’s question but found his friend still staring curiously at him.

   “I … er… well”, Adam blushed and silently cursed himself. Somehow, he didn’t feel like explaining he spent the night with a hot guy while imagining he was with Tommy.

   “Oh”, said Sutan enthusiastically, “Someone got lucky last night! Details, please!”

   Adam blushed some more and looked at Tommy who seemed to be suddenly very interested in the pattern of tiny red roses on the grey tablecloth.

   “Oh my!” exclaimed Camila. “That’s awesome, baby, you deserve some fun after all the hard work! Was he cute or very cute?”

   Adam sighed heavily. There was no way to get out of this now.

   “Very cute,” he said finally. “Can we please leave this?”

   Sutan grinned and was about to say something when he caught sight of Tommy’s somber face.

   Sutan frowned. The memory of last night, Tommy returning to the bar white-faced and shocked finally hit home. The man mentally punched himself for his stupidity.

   He turned back to Adam and there was a wicked glint in his eye now.

   “Of course, honey, no more questions!” he said.

   Adam looked at him bewildered. When did Sutan give up so easily?

   “I’m, for one, very happy for you and for myself too, because I finally got this gorgeous guy here all alone and in need of company,” andwith these words he turned to Tommy and sent him a seductive wink.

   Tommy looked puzzled.

   “Er… what?” he asked bluntly.

   “Looked so adorable, when he finally fell asleep…” crooned Sutan and wrapped his arm around Tommy’s shoulders, not stopping there but putting his hand up to pet the blond man’s hair. He turned to face Adam with a satisfied smile playing on his lips.

   Tommy turned into a bright shade of pink and tried to shake the man’s hand off him.

   “Sutan!” he pouted.

   “Tommy?” asked Camila, rather surprised. “Is there something you want to tell us?”

  Tommy stole a look at Adam and saw the man staring at Sutan in a very unfriendly way.

   “We got drunk and fell asleep!” with these words Tommy pushed giggling Sutan at the side. “Idiot!” he muttered.

   Monte started to laugh helplessly and soon everybody joined him, making people in the restaurant turn their heads again.

   “Take your hands off him,” Tommy heard Adam’s ice-cold voice above the loud hysterics and for a moment thought he heard it wrong. Laughter died in an instant and everybody looked from Sutan to Adam. Heavy silence stretchedbetween them.

   “Excuse me?” asked Sutan. He still had his hand around Tommy’s shoulders.

   “I said, take your hands off him,” repeated Adam, his eyes throwing daggers at Sutan.

   Sutan took his hand off Tommy and stared at Adam with a disbelieving look.

   “I was just kidding, for Christ’s sake!” he said, clearly offended.

   Adam looked like he was shocked himself with his reaction. He didn’t answer, just looked at Tommy expecting the blond to tell him to fuck off and mind his own business.

   Instead, Tommy stared at him with unreadable expression. The restaurant and the people around them, the sounds of conversations and tinkling of crockery stopped existing; there were only the two of them staring at each other. Tommy raised his brow in silent question.  

    Adam looked down for a moment, unable to hold Tommy’s intent gaze. When he looked up again, Tommy was smiling at him. No protest, no outburst, Tommy would just agree to be treated like this? Like Adam had any right on him, like he…

   The dangerous direction his thoughts were taking was interrupted by Camila’s voice breaking his trance like state. Adam realized he was still in the hotel’s restaurant surrounded by his band mates.

   “… so, I found this fantastic dress that really goes with…”  she was saying, maybe a little louder than needed, as Monte and Isaac feigned interest. Great, he had just made everyone uncomfortable.

     Tommy wasn’t looking at him anymore; he turned to Sutan and the two were talking quietly, sitting close to each other, their foreheads almost touching. Adam never noticed how close these two became and now as he did, he didn’t like it all. The way Sutan talked to Tommy now, listening attentively to what the other man was saying, – it made Adam wanna grab Sutan and drag him out of the place next to Tommy. It wasn’t Sutan’s place; it was his and his only.

   Afternoon sunlight was playing on Tommy’s pale skin. The neck of Tommy’s t-shirt folded inside the wrong way and it made Adam want to lean across the table and touch it up. Touch him. Run his hands along this porcelain skin… Adam pressed his lips, the bitter feeling tearing at him again. He shouldn’t think that. Shouldn’t think about how unfair it was – to have a taste of what it could be like and then be rejected.

   Tommy turned away from Sutan for a moment and their eyes met again. A sudden image of Tommy begging for more rushed into his mind. Adam’s thoughts drifted to last night and the images it created – making love to Tommy…

   “He must be so tight…” mortified with his own thoughts, Adam quickly turned away from Tommy. He hoped the blonde man would never ever know what he just thought about him. Adam hated himself for the rush of desire he felt now. Hooking up with some hot guy was supposed to make things easier, let him blow off some steam. Instead, it made things so much worse.  It was high time to admit – he had lost this battle with himself. Being friends with Tommy, touring with him, being around him – would always be a torture and there was nothing he could do to change it.

***

   The crowd cheered Adam’s name, people’s voices almost deafening as the excitement and anticipation started to kick in.

   Adam checked the microphone in his ear for a millionth time and stole a glance at Tommy and Sutan. The dark-haired man was busy applying some last-minute amendments to Tommy’s make up.

   Sutan hadbarely said a few words to him since Helsinki but Adam didn’t try to approach his makeup artist and apologize. He couldn’t explain it even to himself; it wasn’t like him at all to hold the grudge – especially when he was the one being foolish – but not this time apparently.

   Something was off with Sutan – the way he was overprotective around Tommy lately.

   Adam flinched noticing the gentle touch Sutan gave Tommy as he applied some powder on the other man’s cheeks.

   Yes, maybe he was ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous, even, but he was angry with Sutan.

    Tommy kept a distance from him again, most likely because of what happened in Helsinki. And Sutan was near Tommy, while Adam couldn’t. God, it made him so angry.

    Adam took a deep breath. The show must go on… He headed for the stage, blinking his eyes from the blinding sea of colourful lights.

***

   The crowd cheered loudly as Adam sang the opening lines to “Fever”. Tommy felt his heart beating faster. He would never get used to it, even after doing it for so many times – the nervous anticipation, the moment when Adam’s lips touched his…

   Tommy looked at his singer again and caught his breath as his eyes met Adam’s.  Adam was looking right back at him, singing the opening lines of their song, pure desire in his eyes.

   The blonde guitarist bit his lip. He shouldn’t think about how it hurt when someone else was the object of this desire. It was ridiculous. He should stop feeling this way. Right the fuck now…

   Evening air was fresh and a light breeze felt nice on his skin. The buzz from the crowd was electrifying. Tommy heard the cheer getting louder and realized he had missed the moment when Adam came near him.

   He looked up reluctantly from his guitar, when gentle fingers touched his chin.

   Tommy’s heart skipped a few beats as he stared into his friend’s blue eyes. Next moment Adam’s lips touched his, softly at first, but by the way Adam held him with his other hand – Tommy already knew it was going to be one of those nights… The nights when Adam made him feel like he was owned, like Adam put a claim on him right there in front of thousands of people.

   Tommy opened his mouth eagerly, immediately turning into putty in Adam’s arms. The kiss was over before he knew it, but Adam didn’t let him go. Instead, he kept looking at Tommy, searching, asking for something he didn’t have the answer for.

   Tommy put his hand on Adam’s forearm, silently asking him what’s going on. He didn’t try to free himself. He never did.

   Adam could hold him as long as he wanted; do whatever he wanted to him… It felt so good and so finally safe, his own will blissfully forgotten somewhere in the shadows of the fading day.

   Adam smiled knowingly and Tommy hated the man a little. He freed himself from his singer’s hold finally and kept on playing. Adam didn’t try to stop him, just looked at him with the same knowing look.

   For the rest of the concert Tommy did his best to avoid looking at Adam. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea – how he was avoiding Adam lately, both on and off stage, but he needed space – to sort out the mess that used to be his life. And, if he was honest with himself, Adam was a big part of this confusion.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone who is still trying to read this!) Don't even know anymore how to comment on my ridiculously slow writing. I have a crazy life at the moment. Plus I get stuck with this story each time I try to pretend and have my easy heterosexual life back. Guess I should just admit to myself that it ain't gonna happen. And this story is such a bitch to me, when I'm not being honest with myself...
> 
> The story has a soundtrack now!
> 
> https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0B-BjInct_kBiNGtUYnFGb2hwNjA&usp=sharing

_Weird like a rare name,_  
_Misunderstood like a new word,_  
_He flows down – down and past the shores,_  
_Like a boat that flows down the river._

_Weird like a rare name,_  
_Went away when nobody was looking,_  
_Can’t get him back now,_  
_Like a boat that has flown down the river._

_Valeriy Leontiev “He’s not like me” (a rather free form translation of mine)*_

“How long do we have to wait for him?” asked Camila. She sounded a little irritated.

Tommy, Camila and Sutan sat in a hotel restaurant and almost finished their breakfast. It was about time to head out for rehearsals, Monte and Isaac had already headed for the studio to pick up their gear. Adam was still nowhere to be seen.

“As long as it takes, I’m afraid,” said Tommy. “He’s our boss. It’s not like we can give a concert without him, you know?” he grinned.

“We could try,” smiled Sutan. “I can sing a few lines and we can also get Tommy to dance…”

“Dance? Me?!” interrupted Tommy. “Have you ever seen me dancing? I’ll be attacked with rotten tomatoes straight away!”

“I mean strip dancing, honey!” exclaimed Sutan in a solemn voice as if he was proclaiming a prophesy for the savior of the world. “Nobody will care about how bad you dance, if you are half naked. Imagine – stadiums full of people, girls screaming…”

“I love this idea!” Camila clapped her hands and laughed.

Tommy tried to pout but ended up laughing with her.

“Why is it always me you guys make fun of?”

“Because you’re so adorably cute? Like a kitten?” Camila winked at him, knowing very well how Tommy hated when people crooned over him this way.

“The fuck I am! Take it back, I’m not cute! I have an idea, why don’t you and Sutan do the strip dancing and I’ll give you a rhythm to dance to, how would you like that?” he feigned fury while Camila laughed.

“Err… do you guys sell tickets to the front row?”

They turned their heads and saw that their waiter had come to their table, with a tray packed with the cups of their chosen coffee and desserts.

The guy was very tall, with broad shoulders and big muscular arms that his tight white t-shirt didn’t really hide. Tommy was kind of afraid for the fine crockery these hands lifted. It was hard to imagine a guy who was less like the ideal image of a waiter and more like a bouncer. Maybe the cups and plates needed protecting from the likes of foreign bands who were more interested in ribbing each other than taking care of their surroundings.

“Sorry, I’ve overheard a part of your conversation and just couldn’t help myself,” the guy grinned apologetically.

“Oh, it’s totally ok. I’d definitely give you a private show,” said Sutan as he gave the guy a once over. The guy didn’t answer him. He stared at Tommy in shock.

“You’re… You’re… Oh my God, you’re Tommy Joe Ratliff, aren’t you? Adam Lambert’s bass player?”

Tommy shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Yeah, that’s me,” he replied.

“I’m a huge fan!” exclaimed the waiter ecstatically.

“Really?” asked Tommy with a genuine surprise.

“Sure! Could you sign me something? Please?”

“Err… Ok, what do you want me to sign?”

“Wow! Thank you so much!!! Oh, err… here, on my arm? Is that ok?” the guy asked, suddenly looking a little embarrassed.

“Ok,” agreed Tommy.

“Give me a moment, I’ll get a marker. Thanks again, man!!” with these words the waiter disappeared.

Tommy turned to Sutan and Camila with big eyes.

“What all that was about?” he wondered aloud.

Camila was giggling and Sutan was pouting.

“He didn’t even look at me!” he said, mocking offence. “And I should tell you, it is the first time something like this has happened to me. All because of you!”

Camila snorted loudly.

“Me? What have I done?” protested Tommy.

“What have you done, seriously? With your flattering eyelashes and innocent looks…”

Tommy froze.

“Are you implying he…” he started but was interrupted by the waiter, who reappeared at their table with a black marker pen. He beamed at Tommy and handed the marker to the blonde, practically bouncing with excitement.

“Here, please,” he said and bended close to Tommy, giving him access to his big and very muscular arm.

“Err… What do you want me to write?” asked Tommy, feeling kind of uncomfortable. “You’re playing guitar or bass, aren’t you?” That was the only reason a guy like this could be his fan.

“Well, no. I just… I think you’re adorable and simply gorgeous,” the waiter mumbled. Camila shaped her fingers in form of a heart behind the waiter’s back and Sutan glared at Tommy in a very false manner, obviously trying to hold back the giggle.

Tommy blushed furiously.

“All right,” he managed to say. He took a marker from the waiter’s hand and wrote his initials on his arm. He could feel the other man’s pulse and the warmth of his skin as he held the guy’s arm with his other hand to steady it. Tommy looked up into the dark eyes of the waiter and the intensity of the man’s gaze made him catch his breath.

“Here,” he said in a suddenly hoarse voice as he gave the guy the marker back.

“Thank you,” the guy said and took the marker. “I will leave you to your breakfast. Sorry for interrupting like this, just really couldn’t help myself.”

“That’s ok, don’t worry,” said Tommy, still with a light blush on his cheeks.

The waiter went away and Tommy ventured a look at Cam and Sutan.

“Don’t say a word!” he threatened.

“Have I missed something?” they heard an enthusiastic voice above them and a second later Adam took a place next to Tommy.

“Nothing interesting,” answered Sutan coldly.

Camila was about to disagree, but then she looked from Adam to Sutan and opted for staring out the window.

“I’ll be back in a moment,” said Tommy and fled the scene. This tension between Adam and Sutan was beginning to unnerve him.

Tommy made his way through the restaurant to the back door. Outside he searched his pockets for the pack of cigarettes he’d bought in secrecy from the rest of the band and especially Adam and Sutan.

He felt stupid, smoking here in the company of rubbish bins and brick walls – a sharp contrast to the elegant restaurant inside. Somehow Tommy didn’t feel like sharing the fact that he took up smoking again.

Tommy took out a cigarette, lit it up and put it in his mouth. He leaned on the wall and let out a puff of smoke. He thought about nothing in particular and everything at once. Why did he feel he needed to take up smoking again? Why did he hide it from the rest of the band? When were Adam and Sutan going to finally make up? And… why did that waiter guy look at him that way?

A weird feeling crept up his skin, tingling, demanding action… What was he supposed to do? What the hell was happening to him lately?

***

Tommy made his way back into the restaurant hall but before he could step in, he heard a quiet voice over his shoulder.

“Hey…”

It was that waiter. Tommy was suddenly aware just how tall, dark-haired and muscular he was, and still wearing his autograph written in a black marker on his arm.

“I… err,” the guy seemed insecure and a little bashful. “I was wondering… You’re here for a couple of days, right? If you, by any chance, get bored here, I… God, why is it so difficult to talk to a cute guy?” the waiter finally exclaimed.

Tommy grinned – it was kind of adorable how this big guy was fighting his shyness.

“Are you asking me out?” Tommy asked straightforwardly, looking the guy in the eye.

“Would you say yes?”

“Considering I’m straight, probably not,” answered Tommy.

“Oh…,” the man stared at Tommy intently. “Probably?” he raised his brow. “You don’t sound too sure, you know?” and he smiled at Tommy teasingly.

Tommy smiled at him too.

“I…”

“Carl! Where the hell are you, the tables won’t wait themselves!”

A very plump man in his sixties looked out of the restaurant kitchen. He didn’t seem too pleased with Carl – obviously, the guy Tommy was talking to.

“I have to go,” Carl said with regret. “Here,” he said, looking Tommy in the eye searchingly, “this is for you. Just in case.”

With these words he handed Tommy a little piece of paper with a number on it, written in the same black marker pen.

Tommy automatically took the piece of paper and looked at it for a long moment.

“Carl,” he read the name above the number. He looked up but the man had already disappeared into the kitchen.

Tommy slipped the paper into the pocket of his jeans and returned to his table.

He found Adam and Camila discussing some latest fashion item enthusiastically. Sutan must have left, as his place was empty.

Tommy quietly took his place next to Adam and stared down at the table blankly.

“Are you all right?” asked Adam. Tommy turned to him reluctantly and saw concern in his friend’s eyes.

“Sure. Why are you asking?”

“I don’t know. You just look so spaced out…”

“I’m fine. Really,” Tommy said.

At that moment Carl came up to the table near them and Tommy stole a look at the man – only to notice Carl looking right back at him and smiling.

Tommy quickly turned away and looked at Adam and Camila. They’d gone back to talking together across the table, laughing quietly, though Tommy was aware that Adam was not completely focused on the conversation. And Tommy could still feel the waiter’s gaze on him and it made his skin tingle. A little secret. It was nobody’s business but his own, wasn’t it? He had a guy’s (hell, a guy’s!) phone number in his pocket and his friends had no idea.

Tommy ventured one more look at Carl, sideways, so that the man wouldn’t notice. Carl was making his way gracefully through the room between the myriad tables and chairs. He was carrying a tray full of dirty crockery and Tommy wondered how the man managed to not drop it all on the floor. Though it must be easy for him, with his strong arms… Tommy’s gaze lingered on the man’s big, muscular arms.

“Tommy! Tommy!”

Tommy started and turned away quickly. And there was Adam, his eyes fixed intently on Tommy.

“What?”

“What is going on with you today?” Adam said quietly, concern edging his voice.

Tommy shivered inwardly. He was almost caught staring at a guy, and by Adam, no less.

“I err,” his mind whirred frantically for an excuse, “I’m nervous… before the concert,” he finished awkwardly and felt like an idiot.

“Nervous? Dozens of dozens of shows and you’re nervous now?”

“Yeah…” Tommy said without much conviction though. “Weird, ha?”

***

Sutan was making his way through the backstage area, ready to go back to the hotel. Tired but satisfied with the day’s work he sighed contentedly. Rehearsals had gone well, considering Adam was still rather distant with him and Tommy had seemed to be on another planet entirely.

Suddenly he noticed a light spilling out from around the corner - from one of the smaller dressing rooms. He walked there in silence. Everybody should had left already, they were just having a break to freshen up and then Adam had mentioned something about meeting in his suite to let their hair down ready for the weekend.

He paused at the threshold of the dressing room.

Tommy was sitting on the sofa, lost in his thoughts, fidgeting with a little piece of paper in his hand. The blonde man didn’t even notice him so Sutan took the liberty to observe his friend closely – his delicate features free of stage make up, the haunted look in his eyes… so THAT explained it.

“Are you going to call him?” Sutan broke the silence finally.

Tommy startled.

“What?” he asked as if he didn’t even understand the question.

“I said “Are you going to call him?” repeated Sutan.

“How did you …” started Tommy in a quiet broken voice, obviously beyond being embarrassed by this point.

“Saw you chatting with that guy, when I was leaving the restaurant this morning,” answered Sutan.

Tommy didn’t answer and avoided looking at Sutan. Sutan took a place on the sofa across from Tommy and looked at him intently.

“It’s ok if you want to call him, you know. Better be careful, though – you don’t really know him. But it really is ok.”

Tommy finally looked back at Sutan.

“What are you even talking about? I wasn’t going to call him!”

“Then what is this all about? Sitting here alone and staring at his number?”

Tommy didn’t say anything, just kept sitting there looking in front of himself.

“You do realize you can trust me?” brokered Sutan with a shade of offence in his voice.

“Sure, I do. It’s… I’m not sure I can trust myself lately. I don’t really know who I am anymore.”

Sutan didn’t say anything, waiting patiently for Tommy to continue.

Finally, “Do you think I’m bi?” asked Tommy, and it felt like a huge weight was lifting from his shoulders – saying this aloud at last, Gods…

“Tommy, dear, it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else thinks about you. What matters is – do you think you’re bi?”

Tommy stared in front of himself blankly for a moment.

“Yeah,” he finally said. “Yes, I think I might be.”

“There you go.”

“I said “might be” said Tommy defensively. “I’m not sure.”

“Ok, ok,” Sutan raised his hands. “Not pushing you here. Take your time. There is no rush to figure this out.”  
Silence fell, and Tommy was once again grateful for the other man’s calm and patient presence. Tommy thumbed the paper in his hand, his mind trying to make sense of the past few hours.

“You don’t have to act on this too,” added Sutan. “Unless you want to, of course,” the dark-haired man grinned.

Tommy smiled weakly.

“It’s not that I want to act on it - I need to act on it. I need to know. I just… This uncertainty… Suddenly my life is this sea of things I don’t understand and I have no idea what happens next. You don’t know what it’s like, do you? I mean, did you always know?”

Sutan smiled warmly.

“Yeah, guess it was easier for me – from the point of certainty. I knew pretty much always, since my early teens. You sure about acting on it? You really want to try it?” the dark-haired man tried to look impassionate but he couldn’t completely hide his curiosity.

Tommy felt the blush heating up his cheeks and hoped Sutan didn’t see it in the dim light of the dressing room.

“I kind of already did.” He could feel his chest tightening.

“What?! And I don’t know anything??”

“It’s… It wasn’t…”

Sutan’s eyes narrowed and his mouth quirked into a half smile.

“It was Adam, wasn’t it?”

Tommy felt himself deflate like a popped balloon. Was it THAT obvious?

“Yeah.”

“So?”

Tommy just looked at Sutan in a puzzled way.

“Did you like it?”

Tommy could feel his embarrassment growing by the second.

“What do you think? Of course, I liked it. But… We didn’t… Well, you know, we didn’t go all the way... And it’s Adam!”

“Tommy, Adam is actually a guy,” said Sutan, as if explaining something to a child.

“Pfff, I mean, he has this thing – nobody can resist him. Especially when he’s hitting on you…”

“Like he is hitting on you all the time?” asked Sutan.

“Yeah. I thought it was all innocent, just friends’ harmless flirting and stage play. But it got to me eventually. I wanted to know what it feels like.”

“Then what’s the problem? I’m sure Adam will be more than happy to show you exactly what it’s like.”

“No!” said Tommy harshly. “I can’t do this to him. He deserves more than that.”

Sutan’s eyes widened with understanding.

“Got too serious for you, didn’t it?”

Tommy looked at Sutan with desperation in his eyes.

“He practically told me he’s in love with me. And I don’t even know who this ‘me’ is anymore. What the hell am I supposed to do?”

Sutan patted his friend’s shoulder sympathetically.

“That sucks, man. Have no idea what I’d do if I were you.”

Tommy raised his brow.

“That’s a first – you not knowing what to do.”

Sutan smiled.

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“I need to do something or I’ll go crazy,” sighed Tommy. “I just wish I knew what…” he broke off and stared at Sutan as if he had never seen the man before.

“Sutan, you’re a guy,” Tommy said with a feeling of important discovery.

“I know,” he answered seriously, his eyes hiding a smile.

“And you’re gay,” added Tommy pointedly.

Sutan frowned for a moment trying to understand where this was going. Then the realization dawned upon him and he grinned from ear to ear.

“No, no, no! Tommy, I’m flattered, I really am, but… It is not a very good idea.”

“Why? It certainly is better than playing with my best friend’s feelings. I mean, you don’t have any romantic feelings for me, right?”

“Sorry, no. Love you, honey, but only as a friend,” smiled Sutan warmly.

Tommy returned the smile.

“Love you too.”

“That makes it simple, doesn’t it?” he added, carefully studying Sutan’s face from behind his eyelashes. The low light in the room fell on his friend’s face in shades, darkness and light making weird shapes on Sutan’s dark skin.

“What exactly do you want me to do?” asked Sutan with a huge smirk.

Tommy shrugged his shoulders.

“Don’t know. Something. Just… something, you know? Not really asking you to sleep with me!”

“Jeez, that’s good to know! And I’ve already thought you’re making an interesting proposition here!” Now Sutan had a definitely flirting tone in his voice.

“Stop mocking me! I’m serious, Sutan, I need help.”

Sutan went silent for a long moment, then put his hand on Tommy’s.

“Tommy, you’re just confused. You need to wait it out, that’s all. Besides, I might be angry with Adam at the moment but he’s one of my best friends. I couldn’t look him in the eye if I as much as touched you the wrong way.”

Tommy sighed defeatedly.

“Fine,” he said and rose from the sofa. “It’s just…” he started and looked at Sutan sadly, “I am your friend too! And this has nothing to do with Adam. Not everything is about him, you know? It’s my mess and I want to figure it out myself, is it so hard to understand? It’s enough that he completely rules my world.”

“You really are a mess, boo,” said Sutan and gestured for Tommy to come closer. As Tommy did, he pulled the blonde man to sit again with him on the sofa.

Sutan looked Tommy in the eye to look for any signs of hesitation and saw only agitation. He raised his hand and caressed the other man’s cheek. Tommy leaned into the touch, and smiled shyly.

Sutan smiled at him fondly.

“If anybody ever told me that a gorgeous guy would beg me to touch him…”

Tommy waved him off.

“Oh, please…”

At this moment Sutan leaned in and stopped a millimeter from Tommy’s face, their lips almost touching.

“What do you want me to do?” He asked again, his voice suddenly too loud in Tommy’s ears.

Instead of answering, Tommy closed the space between them and kissed Sutan gently. He broke the kiss almost immediately, the feeling of awkwardness creeping up in him.

The two stared at each other. Slowly Sutan started to grin and a moment later they started to giggle and then laugh till the tears welled up in their eyes.

“This is so stupid,” managed Tommy between the giggles. “I’m so sorry, Sutan, I’m such an idiot.”

“That’s ok,” said the dark haired man. He looked at his friend with tenderness. They were still close on the old sofa, their knees touching. Tommy went completely silent, caught in Sutan’s gaze like a dear in the headlights.

“You’ll be all right, just give it time, ok?” said Sutan. Tommy nodded seriously, his eyes somehow on Sutan’s lips again. The lightness and the laughter disappeared and Tommy felt suddenly very aware of Sutan’s closeness, the warms of another man’s body, the genuine care and something else in Sutan’s eyes he couldn’t quite identify.

“Sutan…,” he started but was interrupted by Sutan, who leaned again and surprised him with another kiss, innocent and gentle at first, but as the other man felt Tommy go completely pliant, willing, opening up so easily for him – the kiss deepened. Tommy felt Sutan’s hands on his back, holding him close, feeling so hot on his skin.

Tommy moaned into Sutan’s mouth, all his feelings so acute, pleasure in every touch of his friend’s hands on him. Not willing to let Sutan take all the initiative, Tommy attacked the other man’s mouth with a passion he did not know he had in him. He savoured the contours of Sutan’s mouth, encouraged by tiny sounds of pleasure the dark haired man was making, broke the kiss and proceeded to kiss the man’s check, then his neck. In the back of his mind the confusion grew: he was indeed making out with his good friend. What the hell was he doing? It wasn’t supposed to feel this good and this mind-blowing. Obviously Sutan was on the same page, as he gently pushed Tommy away, facing the blonde with a surprise in his eyes. Sutan’s breath was heavy, his lust-blown pupils fixed on Tommy’s lips, his hand on Tommy’s shoulder slightly trembling.

“Stop this, what the hell are you doing? It was supposed to be an experiment…” Sutan tried to reason with himself. Unaware of his friend’s inner struggle, Tommy caressed Sutan’s face lovingly with his hand. He leaned in again to plant small kisses on the man’s face, his cheek, his forehead…

“Tommy,” Sutan said warningly.

Tommy stopped the trail of kisses he was making on Sutan’s face and looked his friend in the eye.

“You don’t like it?” he asked, insecurity showing in his voice.

“It’s not that,” replied Sutan, “It’s only… I thought it was an experiment.”

“It is,” he replied, looking confused.

“Doesn’t feel like it,” said Sutan simply, looking at Tommy with an open and vulnerable look in his eyes.

“Err… Sorry. It was a stupid idea, I know,” Tommy made a move to rise from the sofa but Sutan stopped him as he didn’t feel ready to let Tommy out of his arms right now. Tommy shivered at the feeling of Sutan’s warm hand on his arm.

“I don’t mind,” he said and pulled Tommy to himself, capturing the smaller man’s lips in another heated kiss, all thoughts of self-control pushed aside together with a heavy feeling of guilt that got bigger by the minute. So, he was all over the guy his best friend was madly in love with. But the said guy came to him on his own free will. And, honestly, who could have said no to this?

Sutan sneaked his hand underneath Tommy’s t-shirt, at the same time pulling the man onto his lap. He immediately felt then how aroused Tommy really was and earned a surprised and shocked look in the brown eyes as the young man on his lap felt he wasn’t the only one turned on like hell.

At this moment they heard a distant noise of an opened door and the sound of Camilla’s voice.

“Hey, guys, are you there?”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Tommy cursed as he stumbled from Sutan’s lap and started to adjust his clothes frantically.

The sounds of footsteps became closer and a moment later Camila stood at the threshold.

“What are you two doing here?” she asked, looking from Sutan to Tommy curiously.

Sutan went completely dumb, blinking in the light Camila turned on in the hall. He seemed so out of it, like he hardly realized where he was.

“Err… We were just… talking,” said Tommy and mentally cringed from the lie that seemed so obvious as it hang in the air.

Camila looked at his flushed face and messed up clothes and raised her brow, a knowing grin slowly growing on her face.

“Yeah, whatever you say babe,” she said with a wicked smile. “Adam is waiting for everyone in his room, we’re gonna celebrate the weekend. Waiting only for you.”

Tommy stood up from the sofa and turned to look at Sutan, who didn’t say a single word since Camila entered the room.

“Sutan?” he asked. “You going?”

Sutan startled and replied with still a distant look in his eyes, “Yeah”. He stood up and followed his friends, his heart still beating rapidly, ready to burst out of his chest. He watched Tommy’s back as he followed him out of the studio and the heavy feeling of guilt swallowed him whole, making it hard to breath. It was supposed to be just an experiment. It was supposed to help Adam – only he forgot all about it the moment he put his hands on Tommy.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

_Неправильный, как редкое имя,_  
_Непонятый, как новое слово,_  
_Он катится всё дальше и мимо_  
_Как лодочка, плывущая вниз по реке._

_Неправильный как редкое имя,_  
_Отчаливший для всех незаметно,_  
_Догнать его непросто отныне,_  
_Как лодочку, уплывшую вниз по реке._

_Валерий Леонтьев «Но я ведь не такой»*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to my darling writing friend and beta, GlambertUK71 - baby, you're amazing! You shock me sometimes how you feel me and add things that fit like a missing puzzle. Don't know how you do it, really)

**Author's Note:**

> Please, let me know what you think!:) Comments and constructive criticism are highly appreciated!


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